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| So I've lost a lot of friends lately. I know it looks like I'm to blame for this and there's just something wrong with me but I refuse to admit to any wrong doings. Let me explain one by one. Let's start out with good old ernie.. Ernie hates me because I won't date him.. Plain and simple. I can't help it that I'm not attracted to him and he can't maintain a friendship with me because of that. Then there's tim. Me and tim had our little thing or whatever you want to call it, but we always remained friends when it came down to it. Tim now cannot be seen even looking at me because of his current cunt of a girlfriend (who, might I add, I did absolutely nothing to). And there's diana who I'm still not sure of why she doesn't like me. Diana has been my friend for years.. We have matching "best friend" tattoos. I tried so hard to figure out why she was mad at me and the only answer I managed to get out of her is because I went to a strip club. Apparently that was a direct stab at her. If I would have known at the time that going to one strip club for 45 minutes of my life would end our entire friendship I never would have done it.. Honestly. I mean I know the real reason is because I tell her I don't support her and adam but she would never admit to that. It sounds mean that I say that her and her "fiance" shouldn't be together but am I just supposed to lie when she wants advice? Keep my mouth shut when she tells me the problems in thier relationship? Pretend like I don't hear her ex's name squeezed between every other word in order to compare him to adam? She wants her friend's advice but doesn't like what she hears. And I'm not alone in this.. Her mom and troy both feel the same way I do about them being together. I don't know, maybe I'm missing some big character flaw I have that's ruining so many of my good friendships. Or maybe I'm just not a good judge when it comes to picking close friends. For the record, I'll admit that I did lead ernie on a bit.. And I did flirt with tim when him and his current girlfriend were "talking.." And I have been really honest with diana lately and did kind of egg her on with my strip club status (I didn't think she was seriously mad). Does anyone see something that I don't? I'm really trying to be understanding and open minded right now. | | |
| i think it's insane how one band can influence so many lives.. how anyone can interpret what they say in different ways to relate to their lives. thousands of people have perminantly dedicated places on their skin towards honoring bayside. they truly are amazing. i don't care who you are, i guarentee you could find atleast one song that you like or one lyric that applys to your whole life. they reach such a broad spectrum of people. whether your sad, angry, or hopeful, they have a song for it all. it almost makes me emotional thinking about what an impact this band has had on me. they have indirectly helped and guided me through every rough patch of my life. they always seem to know how i feel and what to say. they've picked me up when i was down. in a sense they're like my rock.. my safe place to go when i just need someone vent to or need to ask for advice. i have no doubt in my mind that without them i would be a completely different human being. they've done so much for me, and i am forever greatful. i know it sounds so weird that just one band, four people that i barely know, could effect me so much, but it's the truth. they are amazing and they will forever hold a special place in my heart. | | |
| sometimes i really just wish i could show emotion. what is it that blocks my brain from actually being able to feel ties to something/someone? why do i literally have to force myself to cry? i just wish i could let it all out. i feel like i have so much built up that when that wall finally does give way i will just be overwhelmed and flooded with feelings.
on another note, as much as i wish i was older, i'm kind of happy i'm not. i wish i was 21 but if i really was i'd be pathetic. i have nothing to show for my life. i'm not in school, and don't have any real plans to go.. i have basically no money and have pretty much dried out my savings account.. i have a mediocre job that involves no hope for advancement. i know i need to change but i'm too scared to leave my element and possibly risk failing at something else or getting myself even more behind. i'm just exsisting, perfecting the simple things i do that mean nothing. there is no purpose for me. i'm living life pay to pay spending my time drinking and working.. i'm wasting my money on clothes i probably won't wear in a year. i just wish something would click. i need motivation but i don't know how to get it. until then i'm just going to be on the road to being one of those people 21+ that i make fun of because they have absolutely nothing to show for themselves. ughh :(
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| how did i, of all people, end up with literally the most perfect boyfriend ever?! he's amazing in every way. he's caring, he's giving, he's concerned.. he's every quality i've ever wanted in a boyfriend. this is the most relaxing and enjoyable relationships i've ever been in. there is no drama, no fights, nothing. it's so refreshing to find someone so genuine and kind-hearted. ahhh, i can't gush enough!! he is perfect and all mine. 
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| i need to stop being so sensitive. i know how much he really likes me and would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. i just need to start expressing my views more and after my drunken bitch-fest the other night i think i have the balls to atleast somewhat. he's amazing and treats me way to good to ever get mad at him for real. i'm really genuinely happy about where this is heading.
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