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| I cannot believe what has happened. I beg and I plead to be with you and all you have to say is "I can't." Well I fucking can't either. I can't give up on us when you're sending me mixed messages. Should I start my grieving process or should I still try? What the he'll is going on? And why are you mad at me because I got drunk? I didn't do anything wrong.. I was hanging out with a married couple all night. I was going to sleep in brittanys bed with just Brittany. I had more fun than i've had in weeks. I got to catch up with a friend I never get to see.. And you're fucking mad at me? Because I told everyone you wanted to pick me up? Well, you did! I wanted to see you, definitely, but I wanted to stay with you, not fight on the ride home. I should have known.. Where were we going to stay anyway? I'm so fucking mad about everything. Just tell me that you're done so I can working forgetting you. I hate this.. I hate this so much! | | |
| How did it ever get to this point? I'm seeing a side of someone I thought I would never see. Throwing things in my face I thought he accepted. How could I be so naive? This isn't love, this is obsession. This is sick.. This is not healthy. This is the last thing I thought I was getting myself into. We've both wronged eachother so bad, there's no right in sight. It's been taken too far. I just want out. I want it to end. I want control of my life again!
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| I think what I need to do is learn how to balance my emotions. I'm the type of person that's either all in or all out. I can't love you and want to be next to you when you're not around. My heart breaks when I know I won't be spending the night with Elie. I hate that feeling in my throat, the tears in my eyes, it's just the worst feeling ever. But I also hate waiting around for him. I get annoyed that I'm bored and wasting time while he's out doing things and getting things accomplished. My solution? To forget about him for a day. If i keep myself distracted and distant then I won't feel that way. I don't know how to feel okay when he's not around and miss him at the same time.. And I wish I knew how to change that. I don't want to "punish" him for having a busy schedule, I just don't know any other way of dealing with it. I wish he could just be a little less sensitive to my emotions.. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to hurt either.
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| Sometimes you just need to love your past, present, and future all at the sane time.. Looking back I should've appreciated the times I had with friends more. Sure my situation at the time sucked but I'd give anything to relive what has already happened. It's true, you don't realize what you have until it's gone, and I miss my friendship with Ashley so much.. Regardless of how shallow it was. I've definitely learned a lesson. I will never again take friendships for granted. Just because someone's such a big part of your life doesn't mean they'll be there forever. I just need to accept that, appreciate the time I have with them, and move on. I love my life and where it's heading and I will never take advantage of that again. | | |
| I wish I knew why I INSIST on only caring about guys that think so little of me. I've had plenty of guys who think the world of me and have never said anything bad about me yet I ditch them for the one's I'll never please. I'd like, just once, to have the person I'm in love with love me back unconditionay. I can't take back what I did.. It's part of who I am now. I just look around and see the most selfish of girls in a happy relationship and I don't know how they got there and I haven't. Maybe it's because I have a problem with settling. I only want men who treat me like dirt. Guess I'm just like every other girl out there.. I love the asshole I'll never get along with yet for some reason when I'm with the nice guy the grass always looks greener. I just wish that I could hear "I love you" and believe it. My life really isn't all that bad, I just have a problem with putting all my eggs in the wrong baskett. You'd think I'd know better by now. | | |
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